So, this entire week has gone from bad, to horrible, to catastrophic! Let me give you a little recap of how it's gone down so far:
Monday September 19, 2016: My cat AnnaBelle (the kitten in the pictures I have here on DA) is a big cat at 20lbs of fluff and booty. Well, over the weekend we noticed she had a bit of drainage from her eyes and she was breathing a bit heavier. We simply assumed she was a little sick with a cold or something and said we'd take her to the vet on Monday to just have her checked out. When my mom woke up Monday morning...AnnaBelle was struggling to breath. She rushed her to the vet where he said it didn't look good and wanted to do xrays. I approved it, as I was the one paying for it, and he went through with the procedure. Come to find out...she had fluid build up around her heart and lungs and she was SO high risk that putting her under sedation to do the procedure necessary to drain the fluid off of her heart and lungs would have put her into cardiac arrest. Not to mention the draining procedure wasn't a surefire thing. In other words, there was no telling whether it would have kept the fluid off permanently or if it would have just come back in the end. Needless to say, I had a tough choice to make. AnnaBelle was laid to rest today at 4:30pm. She was my cat of 7 years and my baby. My child. Most people that don't have pets really don't understand how hard it hits you when you lose one. They're just like your family. When you go home and they aren't there, it's empty and a lot less happy. I cried for hours, days even. I still cry when I have to think about it and try to keep busy as much as possible so I don't have to think about it. A lot of people will probably tell me this isn't grieving and it's not good for me, but everyone handles loss differently, and I've cried so much in the past few days that I'm emotionally spent and really can't feel a lot right now.
Tuesday September 20, 2016: I came home from lunch on this day to find myself saying 'Boobie, I'm home! Come see mama!' to a living room that was completely empty. AnnaBelle (nickname Boobie or Boobies and is short for Boobie Baby) was nowhere to be seen due to Monday's events and my calling out to her was such a routine that I had had for seven years that when I came to the sudden realization she would never meet me at the front door again...I lost it. I cried so hard and for so long I just couldn't stand it. It also didn't help at all that her bed (consisting of a box lid and a few blankets, as well as a cat stuffed animal we called her baby) was missing. My step dad that I live with had taken it and put it up almost instantly after we buried her Monday evening. I spoke with my mom, who I also live with, about the bed being gone. I wanted to put it back, it was too soon! I couldn't handle losing her and putting away everything that was her's up so soon. She said it would be fine and put the bedding back out (except the box lid because my step dad had thrown it away like a jackass). Well, let's just say when my step dad got home, he went freaking insane! He screamed at us and slammed doors. Come to find out, the way he
copes with things like this is to instantly put things up and just pretend like it never happened and moves on. Me? I usually do about the same thing, but with AnnaBelle...it felt wrong! I wanted to see her things, to be reminded she was here and part of our lives! It felt so empty in the house and so lonely and miserable without her brightly colored cat toys and things laying about. My mom told me that, in the end, we could only keep her things out for a couple more days before putting them up. I lost it and broke/shut down at this point. I said fuck it, just put all of her shit up, because if it were up to me, we'd be putting it all out and keeping it out where it was for months, not just a mere couple of days. I cried myself to sleep that night...
Wednesday September 21, 2016: By today, I had cried so much I just felt so detached from everyone and everything. I was tired, wanted to do nothing but sleep, and to top it off...I work with kids at a preschool. I didn't want to have to act chipper and happy after what had happened. I also noticed myself not wanting to love on or play with our newest cat, Madeliene, or Maddie for short. We had gotten her about two to three weeks ago. She's ten or eleven weeks old and full of energy. I can barely stand to love on her or play with her, let alone look at her. Again, too soon.
Thursday September 22, 2016: This day wasn't as hard as the previous three, but it was still emotional. I warmed up a bit to Maddie, making myself play with her to try and not push her away. I don't want to isolate myself from her and not have a connection with her in the future. However, my step dad started calling her Boobie...I've got to find a new nickname for Maddie. I can't call her Boobie. It hurts too much.
Friday September 23, 2016: I have two jobs, one where I work at a preschool and one where I babysit some kids after working at the preschool to make some extra money. The parents of the kids I babysit had to go out of town a good five or six hours away for work and asked me to spend the night. I did, managed to get the kids in bed and then up again in enough time to get them ready for school and sent them on their way. I then went to the preschool only to find out that the other girl that works in the same room as me isn't there. Her kids are throwing up sick and she had to stay home with them. The room was a bit crazy, but not that bad and I managed to have fun with the kids. They're so loving and cute.
Saturday September 24, 2016: Present Day. I stayed home today and played with Maddie a good bit, the pain of losing AnnaBelle still there, but I feel like it's getting a bit better. My cousin has a wedding shower tomorrow that my mom and I are going to be attending, so I have to wash my hair in order to straighten it and get it looking decent. My hair is naturally curly as fuck. Well, I wash my hair...and my hair's falling out. Bad. I'm talking I lost at least 1/3 to 1/2 of my hair tonight in the shower. I have Scalp Plaque Psoriasis and it has apparently gotten so bad that I'm to the point I'm going bald. I've been treating it, though, like I'm supposed to, but I think with all the stress from this week...yeah, it hasn't helped. Now I have to go to the doctor to get it looked at before I legitimately do have to go bald by shaving it or by all of my hair falling out in one fell swoop.
I've lost my cat, I'm losing my hair...and my wallet is getting pretty slim, too. I had to pay $248 for AnnaBelle's vet visit and x-rays, then another $55 to have her put down...I had to pay for my cousin's wedding shower present yesterday and it was another $66. Let me just add, I had $400 in my savings at the beginning of this week. I'm now down to just $130. I've been saving up that money for months now to try and get my own place in the future...looks like I'm back to square one. I don't get paid again until next week so I have to make this $130 last as much as possible. It has to cover gas, food, and any bills that need to be paid. Not to mention if I manage to get a doctor appointment next week it's going to cost me an arm and a leg.
I didn't write this to complain or rant...I just wanted to give everyone a little bit of information as to why I haven't been on any this week really. I'm probably not going to be on quite as much for a while, but I'm going to try and not shut down too much. I just am having a rough time and I'm sure my friends here on DA will understand. Thanks guys.
On a happier note, I'm going to be posting some picture of Maddie soon. Keep a lookout!